*Warning: I will be talking about ovaries and the gross things about being a woman so leave now if it’s too much for you*
Welcome, to every person that is reading this right now & thank you in advance, for helping me feel comfortable enough to create this place that I can completely word-vomit my thoughts and feelings onto a page. This blog post is going to be hard for me as I don’t talk much about what I’m going through but I know it’s definitely time for me to do just that.
It’s weird being in your 20’s… I’ve recently graduated University, I’ve got a full time graduate job that is related to my degree, I’ve got the most perfect boyfriend in the world, we’ve just bought our first place together, I’ve got amazing friends & family but as the way the world works, not everything can be fine and dandy.
Its always the way, nobody can have everything perfect and I’m lucky enough to have a pretty good life so the fact that my ovaries absolutely hate me is just a downfall that I have to endure.
For the past 18 months, I’ve had about 7 hemorrhagic ovarian cysts(cysts that grow inside the ovary that have blood going into it) which occur when I’m ovulating. Most women will get ovarian cysts. On average, most women will get cysts that cause them pain once every 4 years (so my gynaecologist says). Cysts normally just form, show no symptoms and go on their own – but not mine.
I was first dubious about that area of my body when my periods stopped. I had pain in my abdomen, it was VERY painful during intimate times (sorry family, if you’re reading this), I was constantly tired, suffering with bad nausea and would have frequent water infections. The seriousness of it all was obvious when I woke up one morning, the cyst had burst.I had no idea what was going on but I had severe pain in my tummy and I woke up with an extreme amount of lost blood in my bed. This was July 2016 and here I am, 7th March 2018, with the same symptoms, the same physical pain and the same confusion of it all.
My cysts usually grow to about 5cm (double the size of an ovary) however the one that has currently nested itself into my left ovary is 7cm and still growing… ahh, such fun. I can’t describe the physical pain they bring me – Imagine being on your period AND someone stabbing you in the tummy over and over again whilst tugging at your ovaries… a bit like that but alot less graphic. Thankfully, I don’t suffer with this pain every single day, the cysts appear usually every 8 weeks, which means one month i’ll just have a normal period and can be normal for about 3 weeks and then a new cyst will grow which will last for about 4-6 weeks which is when the pain is a day-to-day struggle.
Wow, I have a cyst routine… not cool.
I used to go to the gym 5 times a week for about 2 hours a day, now I’m lucky to go 5 times a month as any physical activity causes too much strain on the cysts, which has mean’t I’ve put on quite alot of weight and lost alot of confidence along the way. This has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with… I lost so much weight in 2016, around 3 & a half stone but since I’ve been dealing with ovarian cysts, it’s all come piling back on as they mess with your metabolic rate too. If there is a god, he obviously just wants me to be fat forever. Again, not cool.
The last 18 months have been a whirl-wind of emotions for me. I’ve been told I might not be able to have children, I might have to have my ovaries taken out and I might just have to deal with these cysts for the rest of my life. All scenarios are less than ideal but yet, one of them will be reality for me. I’ve cried alot about my damn ovaries and the way my womanhood is being taken from me but at the end of the day, it’s something i’m living with so i’m going to deal with it the way I feel most appropriate… bitch about my ovaries in a blog post.
How do I get rid of the cysts?
Well, ordinarily, they burst(which hurts like hell and I end up in hospital or in my bed, on very strong painkillers) or you can get them surgically removed(this is usually the last resort however I can’t get them surgically removed as the blood in the cyst would make the operation too dangerous).
There’s not much I can do in the way of preventing them from growing, so I just have regular scans to ensure they’re not getting out of hand as if they grow too big, my ovaries can twist and that would just be a whole other bad situation.
Today, I had an ultrasound scan and internal scan (NOT fun) to see the size of the cyst and how everything is going on in there. You know your results aren’t good when the nurse looks at you and says “Oh you poor thing”.
As a side note, I’d like to apologise to everyone that I’ve been distant with over the past year and a half. I’m normally that friend that is way too open about every little detail in their life but this has been different. This has made me quiet, reserved and not want to be around anyone. So I’m sorry. This is something i’m dealing with but I can promise you all, i’ll be back to my normal self soon.
Equally, I also want to thank every one that has been there for me through all of this. The amount of phone calls of me crying down the phone, the constant hugs I’ve needed to calm me down and all of the reassuring conversations from the people that I love that have made me realise that I will be okay.
I’m very aware how much I have moaned in this blog post but I needed a release of all these emotions that I have been feeling, so please don’t think that I absolutely hate life and I’m wallowing in self-pity as I’m not. I still try and do my best in everything I do and whatever the outcome, I’m not going to let anything stop me from being happy and enjoying my life.
It’s just one of those bad patches in life we all go through but, we still make it in the end.