“Perfection is a disease of a nation”
I’ve never ever spoken so openly about being overweight as quite frankly, I’m ashamed and embarrassed. I’ve never been a slim person – I remember in Year 3 when we were all practising how to weigh ourselves and then we’d add all of our weights up – most kids in my class were between 3-4 stone and I was a whopping 7 stone.
I was always bullied for my weight and whenever I’d get into arguments with people, the first insult would be “you’re fat”. As a grown woman, hearing those words makes me so vulnerable because I remember how horrible I used to feel and how horrible I still feel about myself.
Between the start of 2016 & 2017, I lost about 3 stone and went down to a size 10/12. I worked so hard – I exercised for 2 hours a day, I’d only drink smoothies or frozen fruit as snacks, my three meals a day were healthy and I’m pretty sure the only carb I was eating were sweet potatoes. I felt amazing, I was maintaining the healthy lifestyle and most of all, I was happy.
Now, from my previous blog post, you’ll know about my struggle with ovarian cysts. Ever since they started in the summer of 2016, I have really struggled to go to the gym because of the pain, so then I’d comfort eat to make me feel “happy”, which only ever made me feel more like crap as I was just gaining so much weight so quickly.
Well here I am, 1 year on from when I was at my lightest weight, 3 stone heavier & absolutely miserable. The truth is, I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore because I get so upset. The whole reason I’m writing this blog post right now is because I have just stopped crying about the size of myself. I’m so embarrassed.
Having put on weight only makes my anxiety worse, as I’ll think “I hope nobody says anything about my weight” or “I bet they think I look disgusting“. I haven’t been on a night out with my friends in several months because 1) I don’t fit into 80% of my clothes, 2) I don’t want my friends taking pictures of me when I look like this & 3) I honestly just don’t want my friends seeing me when I look like this. I’ve seen the faces of people that I haven’t seen for a while when they look at me now and I can see the shock on their face when they realise how much weight I’ve put on, so rather than deal with that, I isolate myself and get even worse.
The cyst on my ovary is finally clearing up after 6 weeks of pure chaos and I cannot explain my excitement about going back to the gym again. I know it’s about healthy eating too but when you’re lying in bed for weeks, you’re not going to eat a salad and some fruit, trust me, you’re not. Going to the gym gives me so much motivation as I know I’ve smashed it before and I can smash it again.
I’m so done with these pity parties I keep throwing for myself. I’m so done with the shit tonne of excuses too. I know I’ll probably never be as thin as I was 1-2 years ago as I just don’t have that much extra time anymore, what with a full time job, buying a new home and being away most weekends but my goal for this year is to lose some weight and to try and love my body.
I’m always complimenting other girls on how they look, whether they’re: curvy, slim, muscly, toned, overweight or shaped like a bloody banana, so why can’t I just do the same to myself? Why do I have to be my own biggest hater?
I love having curves. I’ve always had big boobs and I always work hard on my butt & legs at the gym, so I like those to be big too but I just want to be happy and healthy again. That’s my 2018 goal and I’m going to stick by it.